In this piece we’ll be eliminating NFL teams week by week based on who we think no longer has a chance to win the Super Bowl. This list will only include teams we have eliminated from contention.
Week 3: Oakland Raiders
The Raiders have not trailed in any game this season through the first 3 quarters. Unfortunately, NFL games are 4 quarters long and the Raiders are now 0-3. At this point, Jon Gruden could be replaced by Frank Caliendo and I’m not sure they’d be any worse off. Whether it be roster mismanagement such as trading a once in a generation pass rusher or in game blunders like fullback dives at the one yard line, it looks like the game has passed Gruden up. Not to worry though Raiders fans, the move to Las Vegas is near and Gruden’s deal expires only 10 years from now. But what is causing the Davis family more grief? Mark’s haircut or this once proud franchise in turmoil.
Week 2: Arizona Cardinals
Week 2 of the NFL regular season is gone with the wind, so we’re here to break news and permanently eliminate the flaming bag of dog shit that is the Arizona Cardinals from Super Bowl contention. We are the first outlet to officially do so and welcome all the credit.
The Cardinals are heinous out of 10. We abstained from dropkicking them off the stern after a marginal performance in week 1, and held out hope that the team could be saved by a Josh Rosen appearance. However, we’ve come to a conclusion that this team is going to be dragged from the back of a pickup-truck for the entirety of the 2018 NFL season, regardless if Rosen gets the nod soon or the enormous eyeball, Sam Bradford, finishes out the remaining fourteen games. I’ve never met a single Arizona Cardinals fan, so I’m unsure if they truly exist, but if you’re out there and reading this: The countdown to May starts today, son.
Week 1: Buffalo Bills
The Bills should be relegated to the CFL. This team is so bad that the only entertainment we have is watching #BillsMafia sacrifice their health to break folding tables. It took just one half into the season to show their ineptitude to the world. Scratch that, they began a slow descent into hell -135 days into the season when they drafted Wyoming quarterback, Josh Allen, to take the throne from the worst starter in football, Nathan Peterman. Peterman threw it eighteen times on Sunday, completing five passes for twenty-four yards. This is the man the Bills chose over Allen to start their already hopeless season. May God help the Bills.